Sunset Reflection

2004-10-10T07:14:00.000-07:00

I miss YOU, mama! you're the air that surrounds me.

sometimes I wish she would bring me to heaven with her. it's so painful to be left alone to deal with so many hurdles without a constant source of encouragement, support and unconditional love. I've come to a deeper realisation that there was and will nvr be another person who loves me more than she did and still do (I know). I guess that's what making it so difficult for me to move on as the days pass. memories will always be locked in my heart. I can nvr forget that smile or that touch of her hand.

Jesus... the steps are getting heavier day by day. please help me with my cross.

2004-10-08T18:38:00.000-07:00

girlfriends are biaches.
boyfriends are bastards.
what abt gayfriends?

I should've known better than that! it's impossible to find someone who wansta be a genuine friend cos that's too much risk to take. like it or not, nobody's ever there when I NEED them by my side. here are some cliche stuff they lurve telling me:

"I'll pray for you." ah! thnx. ya know what? God's trying to send you a msg. guess what is it? "TALK TO HER, damnit!"

"I'm so sorry. I'm too busy with my work. hang in there girl, you know you'll survive." yeah thnx. that was alot of concern aye?

-MIA friends-

"you dont hafta be so affected by them, girl. just be yourself." ha. thnx alot. try being me.
~.~.~.~

I'm gonna turn to gayfriends cos I reckon they're:

1) sensitive (not petty!)
2) fun-loving people
3) loyal

I hope I'm not misjudging people again.

2004-10-02T03:25:00.000-07:00

it is time to find a new identity instead of ripping off from role-models. not like it's anything bad, considering that I'm in such a phase. but it just lacks the sense of originality in terms of personality and charactor that I display. I wanna be me. there's so many things that I have in store to show! I'm worth priceless and nothing can take that away from me.

I want ...a clear reflection in the mirror.

(inspired by a previous post)

2004-09-20T20:50:00.000-07:00

the fuckin' faggot told my prince "the truth"! shits. what an airhead! so dense. so now we're pretending like nth happened. argh. go to hell, you're queer.

today wasnt the best day either cos thou shalt not be mentioned - if you're reading this, you might just know who you are - was giving me her attitude again! gee. it's like a daily thing that cant be avoided as much as I try to be nice and ignore sudden outburst of rage or irritance and sensitive subjects. gawwsh I wish the world could see the trouble I go through every weekday just to sustain peace and harmony within my comfort zone! obviously she's crossed the line and had alrdy broken into my bedroom, rummaged through my closet and taken my accessories! stop it and get out NOW! I dont get it cos I know I've done my part as a friend and I dont deserve whatever she's done to me over the months. gawwsh. the best part is, she's taken my words and used it as her own! ARGH!

dear Jesus,
in times of rage and anxiety, help me to deal with it with a cool head. I know You're always there speaking to me and it is very impt to to able to hear You. Give me the courage to forgive and love those who have trespassed against me.

your daughter,
Gen

it felt good singing "what a friend we have in Jesus" when I was at the verge of flaring up. at least, it made me feel His presense and calmed my senses. there's a line which goes like, "everything to God in prayer" - it meant alot to me. I needed it.

I love Jesus. thank You for being so near.

2004-09-13T05:22:00.000-07:00

oh okay. the past 2 days has been awefully depressing. argh.

almost confessed my feelings to muh prince charming but my pride was holding me back. I dont wanna feel awkward facing him this weekend! and the those ahead. he's too good to miss out on, seriously. good looking, great personality, smart, humourous, a roman catholic (like me!)... etc. what more can I say? get a grip, silly!

Fallen head over heals... dont wanna get up cause of Love...

gawwsh. gen gen, what has gotten into you?

I dont like who I see in muh reflection and I cant seem to tell who I really am. all I can say is, it's not easy being me.

2004-09-09T23:21:00.000-07:00

oo. you mean it's been so long since I last updated? gee. well, lemmi explain, fickled-me couldnt decide on which blog to use, so I often end up not posting instead. hehe.

oh oh! where do I start?

2 days ago, zel, jen and I went on a major tanning job! ahh it was absolutely, outrageously heav'nly. phew! it felt so good when the rays poured on us. it could feel as if we were lifted up to the kingdom above! ha, I am not exaggerating alright? I dont know when was it that I've adopted a fetish for the the universe's greatest source of energy, but I'm sure it's made my spirits brighter! (: there, we nvr fail to find gorgeous looking hunks, boyband wannabes and cute li'l kids waiting to grow up to be prince/princess charming. aye, I simply adore sentosa.

2004-08-28T06:22:00.000-07:00

I really really miss him lots. argh. it's only been a week, gen! besides, I was too busy to contact anyone during the course of last week. gawwsh. I have so much to tell him abt! whines.

I hate the way I miss him.

I hate the way I like him.

avoiding muh inner voice is not an option now. somebody had better save me from drowning yeah. sometimes I get the idea that he might be a crooked. then again, maybe not. what is it with me? honestly, it'd be so much easier for me to confess muh feelings to him if he were a... aye... gay! oops.

nobody knows what it's like, to be me.

2004-08-25T05:42:00.000-07:00

Oh muh gawwsh...

I've surely been pushed to muh limits over the past 2 to 3 days. mugging and mugging and MUGGING! it was so painful to fight the temptations of laziness after a extra taxing day + disappointments that tried to put me down. on top of the stresses, I had been suffering from insomnia. it sucks! it really does. esp when muh body just cant stay awake for any longer, I just cant fall into a deep rest. either that, or I would fall into recurring dreams (I nvr liked them!).

today was the ultimate test of our memory + how-1/4-of-our-brain-cells-can-make-us-pass + our progress. for 3 subjects - 2 sciences and emath! wow. congratulations to all of us who had made it through this day without straining to our death. there's one final paper left for tmr. I pray that I'll have the perserverance to exert as much effort on it as I've done today. Lordess. I'm seriously drained to the core.

I need to chill out aye? it's essential to satisfy my cravings for fashion! :x

2004-08-21T05:19:00.000-07:00

I wont buy anymore promises.

if you think I'm an asshole, donald wan is the thing that comes out from it! tsk.
he had absolutely NO manners, aight? nutified.

what went wrong for el oral?
1) he didnt smile when I smiled at him
2) he didnt greet me when I greeted him
3) he was utterly cocky
4) he did not pay attention
5) he showed no respect to ALL candidates!

therefore I conclude, dw has a serious attitude problem beyond reclaimation.

crap. guess what he was doing? rummaging through papers, signalling to candidates behind me and daydreaming! goodness. there's no consolation for me and the other candidates who had him as their examiner.

now, I need to concentrate on muh school work FULL TIME cos I cant afford to screw it again. life doesnt allow second-chances yeah.

2004-08-18T06:46:00.000-07:00

there's a complexed feeling swimming inside of me now. there's some sorta fear mixed with smth I cant identify. sheesh. there are so many doubts that seem to be arising these days that I had nvr thought would occur to me. eg. doubting that He exist and thinking that He is playing with my heart. sometimes I just dont know what to say to Him cos I cant relate to Him as much. prayers are needed and I will nvr cease to seek for the "Light of Truth".

well, I was really lethargic when I woke up this morning and through out the day, I could not care less abt the lessons which were going on. I needed to rest. I wished I could freeze the moment and give myself a break.

"Jesus, I know I need You. pls do not forsake me!"

2004-08-16T21:34:00.000-07:00

am I worth [tz]? o man. it's freakay just letting it cross my mind.

kena lectured by ms yeo today for playing truant! tsk. I hate it when she says, "I am so disappointed in you." dang! it nvr fails to punch me so hard. ): eeouch. "sorry ms yeo! I'll nvr do it again."

emath was SO tiring, even though we had a sit-down-and-copy-notes lesson by our dearest blur-ms-huang. she was shouting at the top of her pitchy-voice pls? aiyo! what's with her? it was as if she had an inbuilt amplifier! we can hear you ms huang! sigh and her handwriting was so minute! cant see nuts from where I was sitting. o funny thing was: she asked jen a question and jen didnt know howda ans. so, mandy tried to help by saying, "[the ans] - tell her that!" aloud. wahaha goodness. ms huang heard that pls? haha. she cant whisper for goodness sakes!

ok. I gotta get busy now.

2004-08-13T02:37:00.000-07:00

awwe mann! check this out: a new blog for fresh-feel sake! hehe. I'm overjoyed yeah.

let's see. aye, I definitely didnt start off my day too good (it's Friday the 13th, what d'you expect?).

firstly, the project: I was kinda upset all morning that my partners were not efficient and enthusiastic enough. it pains me to edit every single piece of work and having to do the coverpage also. all that work lasted me till 1+am with an empty stomach. sheesh. I'm not putting the blame on anyone from my team cos they cant help it if they do not know howda carry out the tasks. bleargh. however, I hope they'd realise that it's crucial to be observant and senstive to daily happenings around them.

lesson learnt: it takes effort, enthusiasm, determination and a aggressive nature to soar.

next up, I recieved a huge letdown letter from whom-I-shall-not-mention cos I still love her (as a friend). it instilled in my head that, "ultimately, no one would want to standby me when I truly need their company and comfort". so, after much thought, I recalled a reflection one morning which says, "a woman of strength prays for courage", smth along that line. (: it's heart-tingling to know that He knew what I needed even before I faced my obstacle. yupp. I love Jesus!

lol thanks and appreciation to: Bimbo Zelly! haha. love love.