I miss YOU, mama! you're the air that surrounds me.
sometimes I wish she would bring me to heaven with her. it's so painful to be left alone to deal with so many hurdles without a constant source of encouragement, support and unconditional love. I've come to a deeper realisation that there was and will nvr be another person who loves me more than she did and still do (I know). I guess that's what making it so difficult for me to move on as the days pass. memories will always be locked in my heart. I can nvr forget that smile or that touch of her hand.
Jesus... the steps are getting heavier day by day. please help me with my cross.
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girlfriends are biaches.
boyfriends are bastards.
what abt gayfriends?
I should've known better than that! it's impossible to find someone who wansta be a genuine friend cos that's too much risk to take. like it or not, nobody's ever there when I NEED them by my side. here are some cliche stuff they lurve telling me:
"I'll pray for you." ah! thnx. ya know what? God's trying to send you a msg. guess what is it? "TALK TO HER, damnit!"
"I'm so sorry. I'm too busy with my work. hang in there girl, you know you'll survive." yeah thnx. that was alot of concern aye?
-MIA friends-
"you dont hafta be so affected by them, girl. just be yourself." ha. thnx alot. try being me.
~.~.~.~
I'm gonna turn to gayfriends cos I reckon they're:
1) sensitive (not petty!)
2) fun-loving people
3) loyal
I hope I'm not misjudging people again.
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it is time to find a new identity instead of ripping off from role-models. not like it's anything bad, considering that I'm in such a phase. but it just lacks the sense of originality in terms of personality and charactor that I display. I wanna be me. there's so many things that I have in store to show! I'm worth priceless and nothing can take that away from me.
I want ...a clear reflection in the mirror.
(inspired by a previous post)
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the fuckin' faggot told my prince "the truth"! shits. what an airhead! so dense. so now we're pretending like nth happened. argh. go to hell, you're queer.
today wasnt the best day either cos thou shalt not be mentioned - if you're reading this, you might just know who you are - was giving me her attitude again! gee. it's like a daily thing that cant be avoided as much as I try to be nice and ignore sudden outburst of rage or irritance and sensitive subjects. gawwsh I wish the world could see the trouble I go through every weekday just to sustain peace and harmony within my comfort zone! obviously she's crossed the line and had alrdy broken into my bedroom, rummaged through my closet and taken my accessories! stop it and get out NOW! I dont get it cos I know I've done my part as a friend and I dont deserve whatever she's done to me over the months. gawwsh. the best part is, she's taken my words and used it as her own! ARGH!
dear Jesus,
in times of rage and anxiety, help me to deal with it with a cool head. I know You're always there speaking to me and it is very impt to to able to hear You. Give me the courage to forgive and love those who have trespassed against me.
your daughter,
Gen
it felt good singing "what a friend we have in Jesus" when I was at the verge of flaring up. at least, it made me feel His presense and calmed my senses. there's a line which goes like, "everything to God in prayer" - it meant alot to me. I needed it.
I love Jesus. thank You for being so near.
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oh okay. the past 2 days has been awefully depressing. argh.
almost confessed my feelings to muh prince charming but my pride was holding me back. I dont wanna feel awkward facing him this weekend! and the those ahead. he's too good to miss out on, seriously. good looking, great personality, smart, humourous, a roman catholic (like me!)... etc. what more can I say? get a grip, silly!
Fallen head over heals... dont wanna get up cause of Love...
gawwsh. gen gen, what has gotten into you?
I dont like who I see in muh reflection and I cant seem to tell who I really am. all I can say is, it's not easy being me.
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oo. you mean it's been so long since I last updated? gee. well, lemmi explain, fickled-me couldnt decide on which blog to use, so I often end up not posting instead. hehe.
oh oh! where do I start?
2 days ago, zel, jen and I went on a major tanning job! ahh it was absolutely, outrageously heav'nly. phew! it felt so good when the rays poured on us. it could feel as if we were lifted up to the kingdom above! ha, I am not exaggerating alright? I dont know when was it that I've adopted a fetish for the the universe's greatest source of energy, but I'm sure it's made my spirits brighter! (: there, we nvr fail to find gorgeous looking hunks, boyband wannabes and cute li'l kids waiting to grow up to be prince/princess charming. aye, I simply adore sentosa.
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I really really miss him lots. argh. it's only been a week, gen! besides, I was too busy to contact anyone during the course of last week. gawwsh. I have so much to tell him abt! whines.
I hate the way I miss him.
I hate the way I like him.
avoiding muh inner voice is not an option now. somebody had better save me from drowning yeah. sometimes I get the idea that he might be a crooked. then again, maybe not. what is it with me? honestly, it'd be so much easier for me to confess muh feelings to him if he were a... aye... gay! oops.
nobody knows what it's like, to be me.
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